Number 10: I think I'll live lonely and die alone
I believe this simply because being with others hasn't been what I've wanted on my life since I realized most human social interaction is just a bag of worthless relationships, waste of time and constant dissapoinment, so why should I believe there's something better? Even if it seems E D G Y, at some point I think I want to dissappear from everyone's life (by everyone I mean every person I know), I think it would bring me peace. However I don't know what is the best decision for this since there's people who I love, but sometimes I wanna get rid of them too... But is not easy to take such step in my life, and I'm not really sure by now.
Number 9: I've got a hard time thinking about people who I despise A LOT but at the same time I like them
Yeah... Even it is hard to explain for me. This is not related to the people I really love and know. Here's the thing, there have been people who have hurt me so bad, however they've been people who I really appreciated before they showed me their true colors. So, sometimes I just blame myself for what happened while knowing they harmed me.
Number 8: Goals
Yeah, literally evey goal I have is confusing for the mere fact that I don't know what am I gonna do or how am I gonna reach them anyways. I just enjoy some hobbies of mine.
Number 7: Getting out from a dangerous situation without any psychological or physical damages at all, even if it was risky
Ok, I've been in many different situations that could have been fatal for me in many ways, but here is the thing. I could get thorugh it without having any goddamn damage, I mean, like that time when I was about to be killed by two robbers but fortunately police caught them (which is sometimes rare in my country), or when I visited many dangerous places on my city on purpose while wearing good clothes or accesories, just for the sake of proving if something could go wrong... But something bad never happened... Yeah, I don't believe I will ever try to prove my so called good luck again like that. Also, I visited dangerous places because there was someone I fall in love with living in one of those dangerous places I visited (I stopped cause I looked like a total creep and I was putting my life at risk stupidly, and if I would have died for being looking for her to talk one more time and she knew, she wouldn't have cared. You know, weird times).
Number 6: Feeling lost about how complex and incredible the world is
Think about how complex the world is in nowdays, even a simple device of daily use like a watch has interesting and complex inner workings: boolean logic, chemistry, phiezoelectric pieces, electricity and physics concepts like hertz calculation and measuring. All of that can be understood and it would be for real something very cool, but we're too "busy" these days that if we want to learn about anything we'll have to be the ones who go on depth about the subject, because no one will probably want to really teach us all the experimental and interesting part of the knowledge that actually rules the world. However, I wonder if I will be able to learn as much as I want... But, keep learning no matter what.
Number 5: Sometimes I tried to preserve memories that were not special for me, I was just wanting to feel less miserable with my current situation
Well, let me explain myself... There was a time when I was feeling so bad with my life, I was a normal teen (or so) and I only wanted to live a normal life, and by normal I mean not being bothered by people and being left alone... Unfortunately for me, it never happened through all my high school years (it was not possible for me to be away from people), I tried to focus on things I liked and forget about them. But as a normal person,I needed someone to talk with. In that order I began to talk to some people (who didn't think I was important), yeah I had good moments which most of the times I overrated in later years, because I didn't have any other best moments and the current situation of those later years and moments when I was remebering those memories were really bad for me, so when I tried to think about how life was before those years I obviously realised that it was a little bit less pathetic, but I was still feeling bad back then. So I decided to think that those were the "good ol' days". At the end, I realised none of that was special, I just overrated those "good moments", because I was feeling empty.
Number 4: I think almost everything I say is stupid
Not much to say about this, I just feel like my arguments are weak and that most of the times they don't make any sense, because despite understanding the subject sometimes, I just feel like I can't articulate it logically.
Number 3: Some offended people think I'm saying I'm intelligent and I know everything or other bullshit I've actually never said about myself or intended to say
Okay, this one is personal... But I'm tired of THOSE GODDAMN ASSHOLES WHO THINK I'M TRYING TO SAY I'M A SMART ASS! It's a pain in the ass having to deal with those persons who say indirectly "Oh! You know... some people always try to say they are smart but they are not, cause they only read some shit that they don't understand and think they are smarter than everybody...", or the classical indirect they tell me whenever I'm talking about something I read and wanted to explain "I don't like people who think they know everything, ha, ha, ha! They are pathetic..." THANK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! THANK YOU FOR BEING SO FUCKING BRAVE AND TELL ME THE TRUTH! BUT NOT THE GODDAMN TRUTH ABOUT ME, NO! THE GODDAMN TRUTH ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME! If you feel so annoyed by me then why the fucking hell are you trying to talk to me?! Get away from me and don't bother me, I'm not gonna change just because you want it. We all humans are judgamental at some point, is something normal, but seems like some people can't stand when someone likes something different. They proceed to think "Oh! This person thinks is smarter than me!", "Oh! I don't like how this person speaks, you're a pseudo-intellectual" and so on.
Okay, if you don't wanna listen to me, I don't care, but at least tell me you don't wanna talk to me and I'll be ready to get the fuck out of there and never bother you again. I NEVER SAID I'M SMARTER THAN ANYBODY! I'VE NEVER THOUGHT I'M SMARTER THAN ANYBODY! STOP WITH YOUR HYPOCRITICAL BULLSHIT AND FUCK OFF! Grow up, understand that people can like different things even if they don't understand the subject at all and get a life.
Well, I had a lot to let get out from my mind...
Number 2: I think about getting away from everyone from time to time
Well, as any person out there I have a dream... that dream is about being alone and keep studying the subjects I like. In that way I believe I could make my life a lot better. Yeah, I mean... My loved ones are important, but sometimes... I think I don't change anything in their lives, they think I make the difference because I've been there filling a place in their picture... And if I weren't there, they'd be sad or something like that. This is gonna sound rough, but if I weren't attached to their lives at least emotionally, I could be as I'd like to be, an asocial person who pass his time studying what he likes and does not care much about society. Some people ask me "Don't you think is sad being studying all your life and wasting it while you could be enjoying each day?", and I answer them, "Don't you think is sad not being discovering and studying things that are interesting to you all your life while you enjoy it knowing that you're surrounded by mysteries of the world you not know about?". My proposition is simple, there's no "correct" way to live your life, it only depends on what gives you peace (and that peace is not consisting on harming people) and what you like to do outside social constructs or fears that are used to dominate your life. No matter what, the plan hasn't changed at all, I will try to reach this goal, for now... Well, I can't be a dick to my loved ones, I'll be nice to them. But I really want this... Yeah, I will have to avoid future friendships or relationships, but it's all for a good cause (being an egoistical prick, okno). What about this blog when the day you reach this goal finally come? This blog will die and probably will be in the memory of whatever person read this.
Number 1: I thought for a while I was a misanthrope (during almost 4 years)
Thinking about it now... It does not seem to be true, I was passing through a bad time with people and with my life. And... I don't know why should I spend more energy on them anymore, seems something useless, actually I've been thinking about changing the topic of this blog, because focusing on people is something I'm stopping to care about.
To let things more clear about this point, I HATED people during a long time, because being constantly humiliated wasn't something I liked. But don't look at me only like a cry baby, actually I remember that in high school on an religion (yes, where I live schools have religion as a subject) class our teacher was talking about the Syria bombings (the political and religious conflict of Syria was the subject of study) that were being happening there (a subject I'd like to talk about later) and my classmates were laughing at the fact that kids were dying while being bombarded there... I thought that my classmates were pieces of shit in that moment, because they didn't care about those persons dying, they were laughing at them, for them, when others suffer is something funny. I remember also that other time when someone (again, back then in high school) showed us (me and a friend) a child pornography video of a baby, something I'm not gonna describe... I simply hated the guy for showing it as if it were nothing more than a circus, for him that baby being hurt was an spectacle.
I have many, many more stories which involve similar behaviours by people (not only in high school but society in general). And whenever I try to say that our society is polluted with insensitivity and cruelty, some smart ass will try to talk me about moral subjectivism and tell me that none of the individuals suffering actually matter and that I'm a close minded person because I project my view just on suffering and victimism which means I'm a truth absolutist prick. I just hated (still do) the ones who allow it or enjoy watching it... Actually, I'd like to help those who are suffering some day, using the knowledge I have to make something different. Morals might be relative at some point (not exactly subjective, there are people who confuse this two words often), and it does not mean we shouldn't try to make some other people's lives better (the ones who really need it), existence itself might not have any meaning, it does not mean you have to conform with the feeling of emptiness or feeling sad because of that (depending upon your life experiences) and sometimes normal is not equal to reasonable or true (even truth can be relative in some cases). In the present I've chosen to stop caring about that kind of people, because it's okay that they have their view of life, but it does not mean I have to accept it without questioning them.
Most human (and individual) arguments about life, morals, ethics and society are based on emotions but they're disguised with reasoning. Once you understand people's emotions and experiences behind their statements you will probably understand the flaws of their logic (because it happens with me in a personal level) and to distinguish something that can appear to be true from something that is true. I lately stopped thinking about hating people, because it only clouds my mind. I only try to identify some problems about the world and think about what would I need to help. I will only tell you that it is a long path to take. Who knows, maybe I will end up doing nothing, but at least I want to try.
